


Portrait

by BurningSlowly



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, M/M, Mix of whumptober prompt, Recovery, Whumptober 2019, altno.6, memory sharing, no.29, no.30, numb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2020-11-26 16:49:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20933510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurningSlowly/pseuds/BurningSlowly
Summary: “You’ve forgotten...” the stranger said wiping a few tears from his eyes. “but I'll help you remember.”





	Portrait

He could hear the sounds around him, buzzing in his ears as though it were shifting between being far away and right near him. It was annoying and confusing when accompanied with the darkness around him. Vaguely he could recall this happening a few times. the noises in the dark, but this time it seemed more clear than it ever had before. For the first time he dared to chase after the sounds. There was no ground or a sense that he had a means to follow it but he still dared to try.

Suddenly his eyes opened erasing the darkness that he had known for quite some time. Being out of that place, wherever it was, he began to feel the pain that twitched in every fiber of his body. His whole face and body screamed as if he had been struck in one pose for a very long time.

It hurt more than anything he could ever imagine. Even the way his chest rose spread discomfort everywhere. It was all too much too soon. In the dark place he hadn’t felt this sort of thing. He didn’t want to feel this!

He could feel his breathing picking up pace sending shooting pains along his sides.

_ “I have to calm down” _ he thought closing his eyes. 

Having his eyes closed wasn’t the same as being in the dark place but it did help soothe him somewhat. 

Once his breathing evened out he opened his eyes once more. 

Looking down he began to study his hands. The back of his hands held odd patterns like tiny cracks that spread out and covered most of his skin. Then again everything seemed to hold this strange pattern. He began to wonder if things just looked like this outside of the dark place or if something was wrong with his eyes.

A sound caught his attention. Forcefully tilting his head in the direction of the sound he noticed an unknown man. 

The man’s face looked disheveled with his short taunty hair tousled in the manner as someone who had been trying to pull every strand out. The man’s clothing looked ratted with several long holes in his frayed button-up shirt. His fingers were splotched with different colors. Deep frightful scars dragged against the stranger’s face from one side down towards his neck. It wasn’t until the man stopped looking at whatever was in his hands that he noticed the way his eyes were watering.

“Sirius.” The man looked at him as though they had known one another, but he couldn’t remember this stranger. “Sirius” the man repeated, a few tears falling as he smiled at him.

“Is-” he found it hard to talk. He hadn’t talked before in the dark place. Talking didn’t feel foreign so he must’ve done it before. “Is.. that... my... name?” he managed to ask.

The stranger’s smile faded. “Of course it is.” The stranger mumbled something to himself one moment and then the next seemed determined about something. “You’re Sirius Black.”

_ “Sirius Black?” _ He tried to see if it felt right but the name didn't feel like his own. All of this felt odd.

“You’ve forgotten...” the stranger said wiping a few tears from his eyes. “but I'll help you remember.” 

The man pulled up a chair to him for which he was grateful for as it was tiring to keep his head lifted to meet the stranger’s gaze. He hoped that soon he would be able to move just as this stranger could.

“See, this is a photo album,” the man explained opening up the item that was in his hand. 

He watched as the man thumbed the album before pulling out a photo. The image showed a man who was wearing a striped suit over a dark purple shirt, his hair dark wavy which matched the mustache that tapered off into a beard that wrapped around the edge of his face. In the photo, the man’s eyes were scrunched up in a mid laugh.

“This is you,” the man said.

Was that really what he looked like? Without a mirror he couldn’t tell for certain. Glancing at the photo he studied the man who was supposed to be him. Slowly he scrunched up his eyes in a mimic of the image. The stranger who was watching him started to tear up again so he stopped.

“Who are you?”

“I’m,” the stranger choked. “I’m Remus, Remus lupin. But you called me Moony a lot.”

“Moony?” He found this name to be stranger then his own. He couldn’t understand why anyone would want to be called Moony.

“It was my nickname back at school. Yours was Padfoot.” Remus pulled another photo this time of four boys all dressed in black robes with the same matching insignia embroidered on the chest. 

“Moony,” Remus pointed to the boy that had the same facial scars as Remus. “Padfoot,” Remus pointed to the boy with long wavy hair. “Prongs,” this boy had very messy hair and rounded glasses. “and Wormtail.” The last boy had a rounder face and blond hair. None of this seemed familiar only somewhat overwhelming. “We used to be very close,” Remus said looking at the photograph. “It’s only us now.”

He didn’t want to ask what those words meant. 

“It was so simple back then at Hogwarts wasn’t it Sirius?”

Remus looked at him expectantly but he had no memories of what even Hogwarts was. There must’ve been something in his face that gave this fact away as Remus’s eyes dimmed. 

“This all might be too much for you right now. It’s actually late we should sleep.”Remus suddenly looked so tired but his mind wanted to know more. He still had little clue of who he was. A name wasn’t enough.

“Will you tell me more tomorrow?” 

“Yes.” Remus moved closer to him.“It’s good to have you back Sirius.”

***

As promised, the next day Remus showed him more pictures of their younger selves and explained the nicknames they all had. Remus even took the time to explain what Hogwarts was including the Houses (Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, Slytherin, and Gryffindor) which were the schools way of grouping students and not actual houses like he thought. The whole explanation about the Houses were confusing but Remus assured him that he only needed to know that he had been in the Gryffindor House- the place that the brave students went. Without memories he couldn’t say for certain if he was brave person.

“I did magic?” he asked. Surely that was something he should’ve remembered, yet it was still a blank. 

“Of course you did. You were gifted but didn't always use it well... I’m surprised you and James didn’t get expelled for some of the pranks you pulled.” Remus laughed. 

He wanted to laugh too but lacked the specific memory Remus had. Soon he hoped that would change. 

***

Together they spent the week combing through the album. He now could name the people in the photographs Remus showed him. Every time he correctly labeled the boy with the rounded glasses as James Potter (prongs) or recalled their friend’s group were called the Marauders Remus would burst into the widest smile. That always made his day.

Whenever Remus introduced something new he would grow silent and sad at his incorrect responses. No matter how many old photographs he showed of the four of them laughing at different parts of Hogwarts he couldn't remember a single thing. He had no memories of pranks he and James pulled in their transfiguration class back in 3rd year. There were no memories of meeting his friends. Nothing. That had to be wrong. All these lost memories had to exist somewhere.

“I have an idea!” Remus said one day.

“What’s your idea?” he asked. Remus seemed more chipper than the days prior.

Sirius was sure that it must've been exhausting sharing knowledge he should've already know.

“ I did some reading,” Sirius smiled. Remus had shared that he was the far more studious of their group of friends. He was sure that whatever he discovered would work.

“I think I could give you a copy of my memories.”

Remus placed the end of his wand to the temple of his head. A silvery wisp was pulled from Remus as he removed the wand. Sirius stared in awe at the wisp dangling. Remus hardly used magic around him, only doing a few tricks when he begged to see. Magic was beautiful and left him speechless. He couldn’t believe that there was a time that he had the same ability that Remus showed. Perhaps once he was able to regain movement of his body he could do magic for Remus.

“Close your eyes.” 

Following Remus’s direction he shut his eyes tight then in a moment he felt something enter his head. Picture clear as could be filtered into his head; he saw his younger self along with the other Marauders. The four of them were huddled around some large parchment. 

“Ready?” James asked with a mischievous grin.

“We spent forever on this be a shame not to properly test it out.” his younger self smirked. 

“I still think it’s ridiculous.” Remus shook his head disappointingly. 

“You're the one who helped make it Moony” his younger self pointed out pressing close to Remus. “You were the missing key to finish it. What would we do without your brains?” 

Remus blushed. “Don’t blame me if it doesn’t work.” 

His younger self chuckled. “Alright I’ll blame Wormtail if this thing doesn’t work.”

“Hey!”

“Come on.” James urged. “ I want to make sure this is running proper before the next full moon.” All four of them pointed their wands to the blank parchment. “On the count of three. 1.2.3.” 

“I solemnly swear I'm up to no good,” they said in unison. 

The blank parchment suddenly glowed as ink like tendrils spread through it drawing a map. “Gentlemen we’ve done it. The Marauders map is complete.” James promptly smacked every one of them on the back.

Then all he saw was black.

_ “That must be the end of the memory” _ he thought opening his eyes to the older version of Remus.

“What did you see?”

“I saw us making the Marauders map.”

There weren’t enough words to describe how he felt when Remus smiled at their success.

***

For another few weeks Remus kept pouring memories into him. He now had plenty of the Marauders and time at Hogwarts. Somehow they still held a tinge of sorrow, perhaps it was because they came from Remus. He tried not to think about it so often, he preferred to think about the way Remus smiled or the way he did magic.

Remus lugged a canvas into the room. There had been a few memories with Remus drawing or painting, but he hadn’t seen the man do it until now. 

“What are you going to paint?” 

“I’m not sure. I haven’t really done anything in a while...” Remus picked up his paintbrush. Sirius watched the fine strokes of blue across the white canvas. Watching Remus paint was almost as magical as seeing him cast a spell. 

“It’s a full moon tonight.” Remus said suddenly looking worried. 

They had lengthy conversations about him being a werewolf before. Learning that wasn’t a big of a shock as it probably should’ve been. “Did you take your potion?”

“I did.” Remus began to paint trees against the blue backdrop. “Ever since that time with Harry I worry,” Remus’s hand shook, misshaping the painted tree slightly. “If you weren’t there..”

Another memory that he couldn’t recall without Remus putting it in his head. He learned enough to know not outright say that he didn’t know what Remus was talking about. It hurt to see the kind man struggled to hold back tears every time he lacked the shared memories. Knowing that Remus held so much pain inside hurt. That hurt echoed in the painting of a darkened forest, empty, and dreary.

“It’ll be alright Moony.”

Remus turned towards him. “It helps knowing that you’ll be here this time.”

It would be a horrific mistake to ask where he’d been at the last full moon. Not once did they talk about the dark place he remembered being in before all this. Certain memories were constantly being held back from him; he could tell by the way things didn’t fit quite right. The flux of memories Remus gave had slowed down. All he had was memories of his years at Hogwarts. It would be wrong to ask what happened after graduation or who Harry was.

The full moon made Remus jittery, it was best not to add to that.

“I'll be right here for you.”

“Thank you.”

Four hours they talked as Remus painted. He felt more comfortable talking now that he had something to talk about. He did his best to reclaim some of the charm that his younger self had in Remus’s memories. Remus sometimes blushed at him. There were times that it seemed that Remus wanted to get closer to him but resisted. The most painful part of the night was hearing the howls of pain as Remus shifted into his werewolf form. Being in the same room as a werewolf didn’t frighten him, he was sure that his other self, the one who had known Remus for years, would’ve never been afraid. 

Sirius wondered as he watched a sleeping Werewolf curled on the ground by him if they were once something more than friends.

***

After the full moon Remus appeared less rugged. The ratted clothing was replaced and his face was shaved clean aside from the thin mustache he kept. Remus’s whole demeanor had taken on more light, which reflected in the paintings he began to do. All the darken images of the woods replaced by bright fields full of wildlife.

“You look handsome.”

“I figured it was time I stopped looking a mess every day.”

He shook his head “You were never a mess Moony.” 

Remus moved closer, close enough to touch his hand, his fingers flexed with the anticipation but Remus didn’t take hold of his hand.

“I was thinking about inviting Harry over soon.”

Remus pulled another memory from his head and gave it to him. This time he saw a baby boy with wild dark hair and emerald green eyed just like Lily Evans, who he learned had married James not too long after they graduated. 

“This is a big deal now Sirius” Lily warned holding the child in her arms.

“I know. I know. “ Sirius said with a wide grin. “Godfather to the little pup.” 

“Please take this serious.” Lily warned further cradling the child protectively.

“I thought you said_ this _was called Harry” Sirius joked.

Lilly glared at him. 

Remus chuckled, “ You can’t honestly think he wouldn’t make that joke again.” 

“I want him to be sure he understands that this is a responsibility” Lily fumed her hair looking more like fire.

“Padfoot and responsibility? He didn’t learn a lick of that at school.” Remus looked to Sirius who was making faces at the little child.

“Maybe he will learn some responsibility if he had pups of his own.” James wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. 

Remus blushed a deep scarlet. “Y-you know that two w-wizards can’t have children” he stammered.

“Wouldn’t be so sure. Magic is constantly evolving” Lily informed.

“We could try,” Sirius said taking Remus by the hand.

“For now let’s see how they do with Harry.” 

The memory ended.

Remus’s face was as bright red now as it was in the memory. 

“Will Lily and James bring Harry?” he asked not wanting to upset Remus with teasing him.

He really wanted to meet the family. All these past memories Remus had been giving him weren't enough. He wanted to speak with others too. Form his own memories and see the world that existed in those memories. 

“No.” He knew Remus enough to know he was beginning to shut down. “They.. I already told you we’re the only ones left.”

“I don’t understand.”

“They’re gone Sirius. They are dead.” 

_ “Dead?” _ he thought. It made no sense. In the memory it didn’t seem like it was too long ago. Lily and James looked healthy, happy even. How could they just die?

Dead. The word hung in the air before Remus spoke again. “They have been for a long time.” The emptiness in Remus’s voice pulled at his heart. The man only filled him with happy memories not once were there fights or deaths. 

“If we’re the only ones left who else-”

“Stop it Sirius! You don’t want to know.”

“Did Peter?”

“PETER DESERVED TO DIE!” Remus exploded. 

“He was our friend” he said confused as the lashing anger. 

“He wasn’t anything we thought he was,” Remus growled shooting up from his seat. “Peter betrayed all of us like the two faced coward he is. It’s because of him...”

None of this made sense. Peter was one of the Marauders. He thought of the four of them setting off stink bombs in the halls or hiding under James's cloak. From all the memories he had there was no possible way Peter would’ve done anything horrible.

“He was our friend” he repeated.

Remus forcefully kicked his chair. “The real Sirius wouldn’t say that! The real Sirus knew! He knew, even before I did, what low foul man Peter Pettigrew was!” Remus snarled.

“But-”

“STOP!” Remus screeched. “Just stop.” Remus dropped to his knees, shoulders shaking as he sobbed. “He was the reason Sirius was locked away in Azkaban for twelve years! He took his freedom away! HE never got to be there for Harry growing up! Peter stole our lives together and it’s because of him that James and Lily are dead!” Remus words choked as he cried. 

His heart lunged at the sight of Remus broken on the ground. “Moony-”

“Don’t! Stop, just stop.” Remus sobbed. “You’re not him. You’re not! You could never be him! I was wrong. I was so wrong! How could a portrait replace Sirius?”

A portrait. He looked down at himself the cracked patterns in his skin clothing seemed to make sense. Not having memories made sense. He was only a replicated image of Sirius Black, just a shell to mimic the actions of someone who once lived.

“Sirius... I'm sorry Sirius... I’m S-sorry..” Remus sobbed. “I loved you. I’m sorry..”

Silently he watched. That’s all he could do. No words could ever help this distraught man. The words of an imposter weren’t the ones Remus needed. Remus needed the real Sirius Black not him. Not a portrait.

**Author's Note:**

> I really wanted to participate in Whumptober this year and I had this idea floating around for a while. I mixed a few of the prompts together and put a little spin on it. I hope you enjoyed it! :)


End file.
